Posts Tagged ‘integrity’

My Girlfriend Hat

11 December 2020

In our organizing technology we have things known as “hats.”

Hats are the standard positions, or jobs, in any group. You can even have hats in a marriage (husband, wife, child) or a friendship. When a person thoroughly (or not) documents what they do on their job, that document is called a “hat write-up” or just “hat.”

The nice thing about having this write-up is that you can put a new person on a job and have some hope that they will be able to do the same or better work than the last guy did, because they have all the instructions written up for them. This is key for handling the fact that people come and go. They get born and they die. They have to move somewhere else. They go out-ethics and have to be fired, or they get driven off their job by someone who is envious of them.

For all those reasons and more, the personnel at a company, or in your life, can change. And if you have hat write-ups for the new people, you have half a chance of rebuilding after such a change.

This, then, if my attempt to do a write-up for the “hat” of being my girlfriend. Now, this is admittedly a little tongue-in-cheek, because, after all, “girlfriend” is not normally considered a “job.” But it can be considered that way, and possibly should be.

I am writing this as a way to collect my thoughts about this, as well as in an attempt to guard myself against the fact that the personnel in my life have changed many times and will continue to do so. When you begin to look at life experience in terms of multiple lifetimes, then you see how definitely true it is that personnel change! But that’s not really the point here. Although you can stabilize a single lifetime by getting married, staying with a particular company, or whatever, that’s often not the way it works out. And certainly that’s not the way it worked out for me.

Though I will use guidelines from our organizing technology in writing this, it is not intended to be a comprehensive “hat write-up” or even that serious. After all, I’ve never tried doing this before! And beyond that, this is only MY idea of what SHE should do! To be complete this write-up would require input from my actual present and past girlfriends. And that is (sadly) lacking.

Purpose

The purpose of a girlfriend (or any friend, really) is to provide a boy or man with a stable terminal (a being who can hold its position) who he can team up with to help him make his dreams come true. These dreams might include, but are not limited to, a marriage and a family. They may have to do with a production activity or a series of personal experiences.

Relative Position

The girlfriend should consider herself on an equal footing with her partner. In other words, he is wearing the same hat for her that she is wearing for him. They are a team cooperating with each other to create experiences that both of them find desirable.

Basic how-to of being a girlfriend

Each couple is different. It is assumed that they are together because they share something in common. This shared reality could could be some high-minded goal or some present-time circumstance. They might both like to do certain things or might share certain skills. On the other hand, they might discover that their different skill sets complement each other.

So, the details of what is done and how depends on that particular friendship. This write-up can only give general guidelines.

1. Think of yourself as an auditor (a being who can provide another with therapeutic help) for your friend. Ideally this is reciprocal. Attempt to follow the Auditor’s Code in dealing with your friend. You are there to provide support, not criticism. You are there to provide love and friendship in a world where hate and enemies are all too common.

2. Stay in very good communication. This is your primary role. You are there so he doesn’t have to work out everything by himself, so that he has someone to “bounce ideas off of” and try things out with. He may go out to “do battle” on his own, but when he returns home, be there to go over what happened, to console him if he got hurt, and to help him work out how to do better next time. If he sends you a message over long distance lines (like a phone), answer back as soon as you can. This could save much grief if the message is urgent and is a big factor in the quality of the communication experience.

3. Be willing to talk with him about anything. While the majority of your interactions may concern production (if he has a job or business) or emotional support (if that is the primary focus of the relationship), if something else comes up that is “way out in left field” stay willing to be engaged, to learn more about it with him, to tackle it and understand it with him. After all, there are eight dynamics, and any one of them can impinge on a person’s life and present problems that require study and discussion to work through.

4. Help him find pleasure. As “the woman in his life” (even if it is only temporary and you aren’t married) he is likely depending on you to some degree for succor (assistance in time of need or distress). This is something you should be able to do for each other. This doesn’t necessarily mean sex, even if you are both capable of it and desire it. Pleasure comes in many forms! Sitting together in a warm room, lots of hugs, sharing a great meal together, holding hands. Pleasure is the body’s signal to the being that he is doing something right, something pro-survival. Pain is the body’s signal to the being that he is doing something wrong or harmful. With pleasure comes the willingness of the body to let the being stay in control. With pain comes an impulse from the body to take over control in order to protect itself. Just about anything a being finds pleasurable has been found to be therapeutic, regardless of any moral teachings to the contrary. Splurge on this if you can. Don’t worry about it if you give more than you get back. If you do so when your friend is most in need, you may be pleasantly surprised if, later, you become the needy one.

5. Don’t keep secrets from him; be as honest with him as you possibly can. In the perfect spiritual world, keeping secrets or “being catty” would be impossible because everyone can read each other’s thoughts. Until that day occurs, keeping secrets is part of the game of living and is involved in most games, especially those where the “stakes are high.” But don’t let your relationship become such a game. To the degree that you can be totally honest with each other, you, as a pair, can be a strong and ethical team that can achieve amazing things. Honesty gives you spiritual strength, even if you err and then have to admit it. Achieving this may involve unlearning some insidious social habits that have become commonplace in society today. Make the effort. You may need to apply the principles of integrity to your life in a way you’ve never done before. It is worth the temporary discomfort that this may cause. Being able to be totally honest and open with your friends will not only make you a better and more valuable friend, but will make you a better being.

6. Learn to tell him exactly what you want. It has been popular in life and relationships to leave some things to chance. While this can add interest to the games of life, it puts someone else in the driver’s seat of your life. Learn to be the driver; in the end this will work out better for everyone. This is an important factor in love and self-love. It is actually a higher and more exciting game to name exactly what product or effect you want to achieve, then see how close you can get to achieving that. Part of it is skill in using words or pictures to describe exactly what you want to achieve and communicating this to others. This would certainly include your partner! Though there might be some temporary excitement derived from forcing him to guess what you want him to do in, say, an intimate situation, it is actually more fun and more challenging to tell him exactly what you want. This one takes practice. Getting good at this, though, is well worth the effort.

7. Work to achieve a more balanced game with your partner in all of your activities. A game consists of freedoms, barriers and purposes. When freedoms and barriers are kept in balance, games become more fun to play. Be willing to go over all of these points with him for any activity you do together or hope to do together. Freedoms are expressed through creative imagination. Talk about all the possibilities! Barriers are usually expressed as rules or limits or boundaries. Don’t be afraid to define these in your relationship. They will add to pleasure, enjoyment (fun) and certainty. They help you build trust. Finally, it always helps to know what your purpose for doing something really is. The game of sexual contact would be different if you wanted to make a baby rather than just enjoy each other’s company. It’s OK for all this to be discussed and clear. It may seem somehow overly intellectual as you read it here, but if you can get used to thinking in these terms, it becomes natural and promotes happiness.

Product

Any activity results in some sort of product. If you actually work out exactly what results you want to achieve with a relationship, the chances that you will attain those results go way up! Here’s how I would say it in a general sort of way:

The product of a girlfriend should be a boy or man who feels more stable, more certain of himself, and more able to make his dreams come true.

Even if the relationship is only temporary due to circumstances of life, while you are together it is well worth going for this. If anything, it will give you good practice for the next friend that you make. It might even result in a relationship that lasts longer than you originally expected. Can love exist across lifetimes? The answer turns out to be: Yes!

Statistic

In organizations, statistics serve as indicators of how well the group is achieving its goals and purposes.

You might not see any point in keeping statistics for a relationship. But if you can work this out, it could open the door to building the relationship in ways you might not have imagined.

If you are working together to produce a better financial situation for both of you, you might want to keep track of your combined incomes, or net cash flows.

If you are working primarily towards emotional support, you might want to keep track of the number of times each week you do something together that you both enjoy.

It all depends on how much control over the situation you want to achieve. Statistics help you to become more causative in life. If this will only be seen as “useless paperwork” then skip it; there are other indicators you can use. But stats are a tried and true method.

This is your life

I got the idea to write this after realizing that yet another close relationship would soon be coming to an end. The original idea was sort of flippant. “It makes sense in theory, but no one actually handles relationships this way, right?”

But when I looked up Hubbard’s advice on this, then started writing down what I wanted to say, I got more serious. Girlfriends and people like that are important. Relationships can make a huge difference in a person’s life. They are really very fundamental. So it is worth studying, worth thinking about. But more than that, it is worth doing.

If anyone who reads this gets anything out of this, I hope it will help them decide to make friends with someone if they feel alone, or encourage them to repair a relationship that fell apart. Be a friend to yourself and let yourself have close friends. It can be a very emotional experience. But if you are sincere in what you are trying to do, then all those confusing feelings will be worth it. After all, why are you here? If you don’t like strong emotions, why did you pick life on Earth? Let the tears fall! Let the joy of love overwhelm you! After all, that’s kinda what we’re here for, isn’t it?

Short Story

25 November 2020

Once upon a time, a boy and girl fell in love. They seemed perfect for each other. They enjoyed their times together in a calm and simple way that no one else seemed to notice or care about. He pledged to her that they would spend their lives together. But he was only a little boy. How could he keep this promise?

Sure enough, one day his parents announced to the family that they would be moving to a land far away, where Father had found work. The boy’s attention went off his friends as the excitement of the move filled his days. And then the family was gone from that place, and the boy found himself living in a new town, thousands of miles away.

The little girl wondered where her friend had gone, and cried. But eventually, the busyness of life restored her spirit, and she made new friends and continued on.

Meanwhile, the little boy had become fascinated and captivated by his new surroundings. The town he had moved to was older than the one he had left, and the climate there was much different. As the winter’s snows melted from the lawns of his family’s new house, the boy, aware that he needed new friends, made many attempts to play with the girls he met at school, as he had done where he used to live.

But the children here had been raised differently, and the girls he met all dismissed him. He did not get discouraged at first, but then one night as he slept, the face of his former best friend appeared to him, smiling calmly as she always had. And he realized that not only would he never see her again, but that he had not had a chance to say goodbye.

And so, lifetimes of unkept promises pressed their full weight upon his emotions, and he began to cry. He cried for what seemed like hours. At first, it seemed he was crying only for his lost love. But then it became more obvious that he was crying for all those unkept promises, indeed, for all the tragedies of his fragile world, and of all the worlds that had existed before it.

Sixty years passed.

Though his world survived, it showed it weaknesses at every turn of the planet around its axis. And a boy and girl again fell in love. The boy was, perhaps, the same boy. His body was bigger, and his skin had wrinkled. His belly had grown a bit too large, and his ability to run freely and laugh with his friends had diminished. And yet, he had, again, fallen in love.

He and his new friend spent many mornings together talking. Their concerns were now the concerns of “adults” and no longer the trifling concerns of children, made large and important only by their imaginations. These were real concerns of real importance. At least, that’s how they saw it.

And then a disaster befell the land, as will happen in our fragile worlds, and the two who so cared about each other were separated. Amid the distractions of the moment, the boy forgot about his new friend. He had assumed that she was safe and cared for, though he actually had no idea. But then a man who was part of his community mentioned to him that his friend had been sent away. Where had she gone? Was she in fact safe? How were her children doing? And her parents, brothers and sisters?

He guessed that she had returned to the place where her family lived. It was too far away for him to travel there, but this world had communication devices that made it possible to stay connected even so. And though he now regretted that his kind had, thousands of years ago, lost the ability to connect with each other directly, he used the tools he had at his disposal to try to find her and reestablish contact.

This was a difficult struggle for him. It involved many new tears, and he often wondered why exactly this seemed so important to him, and why he was crying so much.

And then one day, a message from her appeared on the screen of his device. He answered it impulsively, then sat in his chair and cried some more. She had promised to meet with him and let him know all that had happened to her since the disaster had separated them. When the appointed day arrived, he sent her a short message. But she did not respond. Later in the day, he left a voice message urging her to at least have a brief meeting with him. Still no response. He went out and walked around his neighborhood, as had become his recent habit. He found some cheer in the little children’s laughing and taunting of their parents, excited about the winter holiday festivities that were quickly approaching. And yet, his friend did not reply. That evening he sent another message, forgiving her, and reassuring her that he would be very happy to hear from her in any form, at any time.

That night the boy (man?) went to bed with a troubled heart. What was keeping him apart from his new friend? She seemed fearful of something. What was it? And then he recalled the friendship that he had broken sixty years earlier, through his own over-excitement in anticipating a new experience. It was his own carelessness that had ruined (had it?) the most precious friendship he had known that lifetime. And now he was prepared to put the responsibility for his difficulty at reconnecting on the shoulders of his new friend! What folly! He cried again, most heavily, realizing his own complicity in his own heartbreak.

He arose that morning weary, but ready to face the new day. He did indeed live in a fragile world. But that fragility, it seemed clear now, was of his own creation.

Honesty

28 September 2012

Recently I’ve started receiving a lot of comments. This is new for me. I look at every one because I have comment moderation turned on.

Routinely, nearly 100% of the comments that come in are marked as “spam” by my system. That’s because they link back to commercial websites.

First, I didn’t think much of this. Some of the comments were obviously glib and linked back to sex sites. Most of those did not survive moderation.

But I have gotten a really lot of comments on my “Dancing” article, and many of them came from the same company selling cigarettes. They would each link to a different page on that website.

These were nice comments. Kind of “vanilla” but they seemed genuine.

But now I’d like to ask you: Are they?

Are you leaving comments at my site because you really like it, or because someone told you to do it in the hopes that it would increase traffic at the site of the company where you work? I’m not going to hold you up as some kind of big hypocrite if you answer with “yeah, that’s really why I left a comment.”

But I do want to point out that there is some dishonesty in such an action. And dishonesty leads to violations of your own integrity, and to the contamination of your true feelings for the things you really love, and also the things you really hate. And the end product of those compromises could be the belief that it doesn’t really matter. And I’m here to remind you: It does really matter.

The game here on earth may come to an end. Or it could survive for many centuries, in some state or another. And if it does, you will probably be in it (and so will I) – in some state or another.

A lot of writers – a lot of people – have said this down through the years. And I don’t much care if they were right to say it then; I think it’s right to say now:

The time has come to get straight. We have enough knowledge now, enough free time, enough space for inner reflection and serious study, to actually accomplish this. To step out of the lies we tell ourselves every day to make the game seem more real, to take a look at the game from a more exterior point of view and to decide what’s really important in this game and what isn’t. And that’s a big step towards honesty.

It’s okay if we play the game of trying to get more site visits for the companies where we work. But why not just do it honestly? What’s wrong with it? We all need to work at companies or as our own companies. And our companies need attention from potential customers in order to stay in business and prosper. So why hide what we are doing? It is nothing to be ashamed of. And if we leave a comment at a site saying we really liked it, when we really didn’t look at it or didn’t really have an opinion, that’s something to be ashamed of. That is a form of self-harm.

Reminder: If you think people should be more honest, get onto Twitter and say so, and put #GUYTTT (Give us youth: Tell the truth!) in the tweet so I can count the number of tweets made in the name of more honesty in government, in the media, and in our personal lives.