Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

Purgatory, Introduction

26 December 2020
My sketch.

I thought it was about time to start writing about the thoughts I was attempting to piece together back around the time of Armistice Day (November 11th).

I felt as though I was in a kind of purgatory, as noted in the above sketch. I began to piece together some notes on this at that time.


Purgatory: A state or place of temporary punishment, expiation, or remorse. From Latin purgare, to cleanse (purge).

Purge: (one meaning) To cleanse of guilt, sin or defilement… (intransitive verb) To become clean, clear or pure.

Expiation: Making amends or reparation for wrongdoing.

Pray that the punishment be temporary!


This was the big change on the first dynamic. No smiles, no touch, no interaction. Sensory deprivation.

We all expected this to be temporary. A few months at worse? How long could a pandemic take to play itself out?

A closer look indicates the existence of spurious motivations not related to Public Health. Fanciful, you say? These motivations have always been there! Many of us have been chafing at them for decades, if not much longer.

Though my original concept in this drawing was that these bodiless beings were benevolent, what in fact the hell are they doing?

If you want to break a population, you keep the pressure on as long as you can. And that is what is happening.

My experiences on the second dynamic are documented elsewhere.

The emotional dissonance that can be caused via this dynamic, though, is potentially quite extreme.

One woman I know divorced her man after five years due to violent outbursts that frightened her. But because she believes in co-parenting, she remains very connected to him, both through regular meetings because they share the kids and of course due to her deep feelings from the experience of marriage, conception, giving birth and parenting. They shared all of these experiences together. How can they live apart with all that shared living behind them? It will bind them forever!

I stepped into this drama wanting to help and simply wanting to renew our regular talks, which used to happen once a week like clockwork. But now she has no professional duty to continue that relationship, and though it brought us closer together than was perhaps prudent, it can do nothing now but tear her heart and confuse mine.

Another woman I know has been living single for some time even though she cares for two children. I had noticed that she had hooked up with a guy this summer who she seemed happy with, but then he disappeared. When I asked her about it she said, “Oh him – he dumped me.” …Really? That’s all? No tears? No sense of hurt? Or just a reluctance to share that with me?

How many loves do we lose for reasons that are difficult or impossible to understand?

Think of all the great stories of loves won and lost. Romeo and Juliet, on and on! Why do you sometimes cry so hard? (I cry, anyway!) Well, look at what Dena recalled! And that was only over a period of less than a thousand years! You have existed as something more or less human for billions of years. So, how many times have you actually been through that sort of emotional meat grinder? No wonder you cry!

Did I choose to move away from my first girlfriend? Did I neglect to stay in touch with her on purpose, or out of genuine childish carelessness? Someday I may understand this episode better. Yet it is only one in a line of – how many? Thousands? Millions of lost loves?


There are few things more frustrating than being lied to in a way that constantly assaults my own sense of what is true. And on top of that, I can’t find a way to correct the liar or escape his influence. And on top of that, many of my friends, even very close ones, believe those lies.

This constant, nagging invalidation of one’s own personal integrity through constant social pressure is a deeply disturbing form of emotional warfare. It would only be engaged in seriously by a criminal – a sociopathic personality – but the lies can be convincing enough to carry many others, less willing (or able) to be discerning, along with them. This can make one’s life extremely difficult, all by itself. It can even make life dangerous, depending on how much the community enforces the “correct thinking” of its members.

My classic example

“(Fill in the blank) is something we don’t understand well yet.” This is normally spoken by a Science Opinion Leader like Sagan or Kaku. It is often quite false! Many “fringe” subjects are only “poorly understood” because the powers that be don’t wish them to be well-understood. If we could read each other’s minds, for example, wouldn’t that cause a lot of confusion in the world? At the least, it would make it much more difficult for the criminals of the world to keep their secrets! So, what sort of personality, do you suppose, is interested in keeping us ignorant and unskilled in certain areas?

Remote Viewing data, just as an example that is in the public view, has uncovered many of those dirty little secrets to some degree. So, what defender of the status quo is eager to turn the whole population into a bunch of remote viewers? None that are criminals, that’s for sure.

Just to give you an idea of the “truths” I find most offensive in the level of their ignorance, here is a list of some of them:

  1. You only live once. One of the most vile and easily disputed popular lies of modern times.
  2. Anything spiritual is pseudoscience. One of the best, simplest and most workable models of life puts Spirit at the top when it comes to causation. The continuous denial of this truth is like spitting in my face over and over and over again.
  3. Conspiracy theories! It is VERY DIFFICULT to do anything majorly evil without any help at all! All sorts of significant tragedies including many political assassinations, most wars, planes flying into tall buildings, and god knows what else yet to be figured out, have been documented to be carried out by conspiracies. The Federal Reserve Act of 1913 is perhaps one of the most well-documented modern conspiracies.
  4. You are driven by your brain. Related to 2. above, this notion is so pervasive that even people who know about Spirit may use this as a turn of phrase. “You brain…” this, “your brain…that. It’s hogwash! This fascination with brain has easily held back psychology and medicine by at least 100 years. And it has crippled our thinking and our ability to write good policy in many other ways. Had the Founders been so afflicted!…
  5. All human problems are most ably handled by the Mental Health system. This is one of the most tricky “everyone agrees” circulating today. This is true: All major problems today boil down to mental health problems. But the Mental Health system, as pure-spirited as many of its caregivers are, is a criminal operation run by some of the most despicable scum-of-the-earth known to Man. Where psychoactive drugs can help someone through an emergency, instead they are prescribed for life. Where CBT is sometimes offered because it is “proven effective,” it is an extremely superficial form of therapy that never leads to something like Scientology auditing, which has a much longer-term effectiveness. Where research in medicines is often funded directly by the drug companies, research in parapsychology and other fruitful avenues of investigation are starved for funds.
  6. We’re still trying to find out if advanced beings live on other planets. This is complete and utter bullshit. The existence of off-planet civilizations has been confirmed by Hubbard, by Courtney Brown, by Steven Greer, and by many others who have focused on this question in particular. There is no two ways about it! The existence of “ET” is an absolutely 100% demonstrated-true fact!

Mankind on its way out?

There are many wise people, my teacher is no exception, who have stated, taught and restated until they went blue in the face: Know thyself! Sun Zi, in his Art of War, stated it thus: “know others and know thyself, and you will not be endangered by innumerable battles.”

What is the first and perhaps most important thing for us to know about ourselves? That we are immortal spiritual beings.

This truth, taught for millennia on this planet, is today held as true by around 10% of the population, or so it seems. That is not enough!

This most basic element of self-knowledge has been beaten back across the planet for roughly 200 years now, and in the Middle East and Europe for much longer than that. Defenders of the status quo don’t want this truth widely believed; it gives ordinary people too much power!

Today evidence for this truth sits in piles all around us. Yet the great majority are inclined to agree with their criminal oppressors, and thus invite slavery into their lives, which is what those criminals hope to accomplish.

The road to self-knowledge can take an entire lifetime, or several in Dena’s experience. Or, now, it could take a matter of years. Just years. That requires some resources. But many still have sufficient resources available to them. And then, once you are up to a state of self-knowledge, you can go ahead and spend the rest of your life doing good in the world thus avoiding “innumerable battles.” Wouldn’t that be fun?

The response I see among most people who care to speak up about it or behave in some way that gives away what they think is not encouraging to me. Yet I doubt I have the full picture. There seems to be a change in the wind… But until that change manifests in my world, until my own friends start deciding to spend more time with me because of all the great experiences they are having from their various adventures in understanding themselves, I sit alone and suffer. As if in Purgatory. Reminds me of a play I saw on public TV once…

Nudity alert! Steambath, PBS version, 1973, Valerie Perrine appears nude for a few seconds. Extremely memorable!

…and that’s Purgatory!

Stormy Monday

17 December 2020
Mural – night kissing day.

I can’t totally recommend falling in love when you’re 66 years old. But I can think of worse fates; much worse.

It rained last weekend, so I went up to the Co-op on Saturday then waited until Monday to go to Folsom with my bike. I had both my camera and my phone (because of her) on me, so took photos with both devices. This series features interiors and landscapes, trying to capture that mood evoked by the stark contrast between isolation and intimacy. I was afraid it might rain again on Monday, but it didn’t – the sun came out (clouds went away).

Rare self-portrait.

The trains are not very crowded these days. They only run I suppose because they are supported by government funds.

On the way to the store I pass over a creek with a bike trail on one side that serves the local super-suburban livers. Though this scene is very serene, I do not envy these people. Like an aristocrat who must have a lovely estate, these people would go crazy if they didn’t have some natural beauty around to help them balance things out.

The grocery store, unlike the train, actually needs customers to survive. Though Monday was a little less busy, there are always LOTS of people in Winco.

After shopping I decided to go over to where some Scientologists I know have their businesses. It is a nice looking business park containing all sorts of buildings that look more or less like these. Reminds me a little of Pullman.

The Folsom end of the bike trail is more posh and park-like than the rest of it. It follows a creek on its way down to the river.

I reached the river as the clouds were just beginning to lift.

There is a lovely forested area along the trail. This clearing is at its edge.

I have photographed this huge field of stones many times, but not usually from this angle.

As I stepped among the rocks, I found this one covered by a big patch of lichen.

I also saw the older buck and his family here, which now includes a much younger buck. They ran away before I could get a good shot. And I saw two different coyotes. I spoiled my one shot, but had to include it to prove I’m not fibbing about the coyotes.

Geese were all over the place as usual. But their decision to move right onto the bike trail betrays their seemingly stubborn lack of good sense.

However, if I were a migrating curlew, I would consider this fenced-in school yard a really nice place to stop over for a while. According to the wildlife people, this species is struggling. But they seem happy enough today in the afternoon sun.

When I got home I for some reason felt moved to send my friend a photo from the hallway just outside my door.


Human feeling is nothing new to me. But when I start crying every time I think of someone…I’m just glad I know about Dianetics and not to be overly alarmed. I have already written here about the emotional power that can trickle through from unresolved cycles in past lives, using Dena’s stories as examples. Though I wish I could remember more (!), it is at least some comfort knowing I am being influenced by all that and not only by what I can remember. I have no huge need to figure out what exactly is tugging at me. Which is not to undervalue the power of the friendships I’ve had this lifetime.

Highly Sensitive People

16 December 2020

Elaine Aron’s book The Highly Sensitive Person was published in 1996.

In this book she introduced the idea that a certain bundle of personality traits seemed to express themselves all together in about 20% of the population. She named this bundle of traits the Highly Sensitive Person, or HSP. Her research indicated that these traits tended to express themselves in the presence of a heightened level of Sensory Processing Sensitivity, a quality of the central nervous system. This suggests that this type of personality could be a result of biological or genetic factors.

My training de-emphasizes the importance of genetics and biology in human personality and even body health and functioning. We deem Spirit to be the supreme arbiter in all such matters, as hidden as this connection may sometimes seem.

But I offer the following discussion as a bridge between students of Scientology and others who have been more classically trained. We need more bridges! Particularly in these times.

The HSP Craze

The HSP idea caught on quickly. Here was a set of personality traits, widely experienced by real people, that presented both benefits and risks yet was not considered a mental “disorder.” Here was a label we could embrace that was meaningful, with a minimum of negative connotations.

A lot of psychologists, therapists and “ordinary” people jumped on the HSP bandwagon, doing quite a lot of serious research on it, as well as writing a ton of popular articles. There are some internet personalities who have identified with the term, and it doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon.

While psychologists worry about those who would seek to identify as HSP just to avoid confronting real issues that they need to face, the rest of us are looking at how we could use this concept to understand ourselves and others better, with the objective of a more harmonious coexistence.

Elena Herdieckerhoff

Elena Herdieckerhoff is one such person. Per her bio, she didn’t really take up the HSP banner until 2014, around the age of 25. Elena is also a Reiki Master and lifelong spiritual seeker. She is, at least loosely, a follower of the Yogananda approach to life, which centers around a deep meditation experience.

As of this date, her TED talk on this subject, given in Paris in 2016, has received 3,432,392 views and garnered over 7,500 comments. It is a good talk. I viewed it for the first time yesterday, and I can use it as a sort of personal benchmark for what it means to be an HSP. The specific experiences she mentions in her talk include:

  1. Living with all of your senses on high alert.
  2. A vivid inner world where all your emotions are magnified.
  3. You care beyond reason and empathize without limits.
  4. Intensely over-active mind impossible to switch off, often leading to insomnia.
  5. Unable to watch scary or violent movies without getting haunted by those images.
  6. Too picky about bed quality and other fine points of living.
  7. Easily overloaded by sensory inputs for noise, scents, light and motion. And also by others’ emotions.

Do these traits remind you of anyone you know?

As she relates in her talk, “the gifts of sensitivity slowly crept up on me.” She lists some of them:

  1. Easily connect with others deeply.
  2. Strong and guiding intuition.
  3. Ability to deeply analyze situations.
  4. Strong empathetic ability.
  5. Heightened awareness of details (subtleties) in the environment.

Elena then goes on to try to handle the “bad press” received by this craze. For example, 30% of HSPs are extroverts, counter to what most might expect. The HSP also knows no gender bias, while popular culture tends to see these traits as feminine.

She then insists that HSPs expect no extra hand holding from society, nor are they members of some secret fraternal society! She goes on to educate the audience on how to handle HSPs better.

  1. Don’t complain to them in the hope that they will change. Most HSPs are perfectly happy to be so and would have a difficult time being otherwise.
  2. Treat their traits as special abilities. They can be allies in campaigns aimed at relieving any kind of suffering.

She ends by making the point that we could all benefit by valuing what has come to be known as “sensitivity.” Perhaps this term was originally invented to denigrate those who exhibited too much human virtue, as these are potent enemies of criminal behaviors. She invites teachers and business managers in particular to find a place in their hearts and in their classrooms and offices for sensitive people.

Me and my friend

When my friend once told me that she needed some “alone time” and then avoided meeting with me for over a week, I knew that I had run into something that I was not totally familiar with.

This woman did not fit well into any of the usual boxes I was trained to put people into. And on top of that, my own reaction to her was totally over the top. What the hell was going on?

This concept of the highly sensitive person, which I just yesterday ran into for the first time, provides a way – however theoretically imperfect – to better understand her, myself, and – us.

Has she exhibited many of these traits in the short time I have known her? Yes!

Have I exhibited many of these traits (but in different proportions) in the long time I have known myself? Yes!

Then perhaps this helps to explain some of the emotionality and confusion I have experienced in this friendship, as well as in my entire lifetime. At least the concept can possibly serve as a way to help me explain myself to other people.

For the sake of completeness, I will go over the list of traits above as they apply to me:

  1. Living with all of your senses on high alert. I have never been particularly aware of this. I don’t think this is a major situation for me.
  2. A vivid inner world where all your emotions are magnified. No fucking kidding!!!
  3. You care beyond reason and empathize without limits. This trait is modified by my training and my gender. I do not experience this as strongly as I have seen my friend experience it.
  4. Intensely over-active mind impossible to switch off, often leading to insomnia. Like, absolutely yes, for my entire adult life!!!
  5. Unable to watch scary or violent movies without getting haunted by those images. This is true for me. I still can muster up some horrifying images I have seen in movies. I will go to bed after such a movie and worry about the characters, or have scary dreams.
  6. Too picky about bed quality and other fine points of living. I have my own ways of being picky, but I think I have been trained out of this for the most part. I know, though, that I have an extremely strong attraction to feminine beauty, while also being a careful inspector of faces, physiques, belly buttons, hair.
  7. Easily overloaded by sensory inputs for noise, scents, light and motion. And also by others’ emotions. This is a reiteration of item 1) with emotions added in. I do have an acquired dislike for perfumes.


I pick up others’ emotions and am very interested in them. I tend to disregard the possibility that not everyone does this the way I do. This trait has made it very difficult for me regarding my friend, as she has had a very rough time emotionally and this has a lot of meaning for me. But she has chosen to process much of her experience using “alone time” when I would prefer to use quiet conversation, thus benefiting from some physical contact and relieving my extreme isolation. This has been one of the biggest sources of stress for me in this friendship.

I recall describing my childhood friendship with Linda to a lady who was working here for a while as a social worker. She had a hard time coming to terms with the possibility that a little boy could have such strong feelings for a girl. She felt a desire to help me find Linda again so that I could apologize for leaving her without saying goodbye. Almost 60 years later, I still wish I could!


26 September 2020

Dichotomy: A division into two, where the two are sharply different or opposed.

Dichotomies are common in human language and thought. They are a kind of simplification of real situations that allow us to communicate without excessive verbal nuance. In common experience we have dichotomies like cold/hot, sick/well, low/high. We recognize that there are degrees between these extremes. We use a few modifying words to communicate this: more/less, many/few, etc. This can also be done in a more technical way using a continuous scale (or spectrum) as we do with measurements like temperature and time.

If you study Scientology you will run across a scale that goes between -40 and +40. This is one way we have to express a spectrum of values between two extremes.

False dichotomies

We use and experience a lot of different dichotomies. When any of these are used in ways that really don’t make sense, you get a false or deceptive dichotomy. This often happens when someone is hoping to express an idea of superior versus inferior (a “vertical” dichotomy) using a dichotomy that can’t really be evaluated that way.

The perfect example of this is Left versus Right in politics. In the first place, this dichotomy obviously uses a horizontal metaphor. Secondly, these terms are often left inadequately defined. Thus, most attempts to convert this horizontal dichotomy into a vertical one use specious or circular arguments.

Other dichotomies that are essentially horizontal, at least in most contexts, and become false or useless with any attempt to convert them to a vertical (good/bad) meaning include:





There are many others. These are some we see in common use today. You might disagree with my proposition that these dichotomies are being misused, but I invite you to take a closer look. You may report your findings in the comments.

Basic vertical dichotomies

Even our most basic “vertical” dichotomies rely on a certain amount of social agreement, or context.

Good versus Bad (or Evil) has to be one of our most basic dichotomies. We can only pin down the meanings of these concepts in the context of, say, the game of human existence. There is broad agreement that this is a useful context, even though it is not the only one possible. For example, things might turn out a bit different if we shift the context to the entire biosphere.

In the context of the game of being human, most would agree that “good” would mean survival of that game, whereas “bad (evil)” would mean the end of that game. If someone wanted to kill all humans on Earth, that would be evil. If someone wanted to provide all mankind with a way to live happier and longer lives, that would be good.

Alive versus Dead is another important vertical dichotomy. Most agree that being “more alive” is better than being “less alive” or “dead.” Different contexts for this will be explored below.

Healthy versus Sick is a very popular dichotomy these days. This is in some sense of subset of the Alive versus Dead dichotomy. This will also be explored further below.

Important dichotomies hidden by a lack of awareness

I would now like to explore some additional dichotomies that I use a lot in my writing that are not encountered as much in popular culture.

These important dichotomies have been hidden from us by our lack of awareness of what we really are – immortal spiritual beings – which awareness has been suppressed. (It can’t be totally blocked, as it is too innate to life.)

This awareness may become more real through recall of a past life, or by running into someone else who has done this. There are other ways to elevate this awareness, but most of them are quite unpleasant or take years to develop.

From this basic awareness comes the realization that we also have a mind and the we are separable from both it and the body. It is much more difficult, however to separate from the mind, and most of use can live with it satisfactorily, particularly after doing a bit of “mental housekeeping.”

Another realization that has developed out of this is the Tone Scale. This is the scale that goes from -40 to +40 that I mentioned earlier.

In our technology, the full scale applies to the being separated from the body, and a subset of this scale, 0.0 to 4.0, applies to the being when it is with the body and “human.” These can be thought of as “aliveness” scales for beings and for humans.

In the human context (where body death is 0.0 and something we might call enthusiasm or “zest for life” is at 4.0) we get a scale of human emotions. A variety of related scales involving human attitudes on various subjects (such a politics) can also be derived.


This can also be seen as a scale of sanity. When I speak of “criminals” versus “honest people” I am using the human version of the scale. 2.0, at the center of this scale, is considered to be the make-break point in human life. At this point, the person is struggling. Below this point he is angry, then fearful, then immersed in a sense of loss, then apathetic, then dead. Above this point he becomes bored, then conservative, then interested, and then more and more cheerful.

Another overlooked dichotomy, which is applied mostly to individuals, is In Present Time versus Out of Present Time. This is important in spiritual technology. It is often referred to in social discourse with terms like “with it” and “out of it” or “aware” and “asleep.” It is a major factor in the mental phenomena commonly associated with psychological disorders.

There is another important dichotomy that gets thrown around a lot and deserves closer attention. This is Freedom versus Slavery. This only makes sense in the context of ethics; otherwise it becomes a false dichotomy. Freedom is good when it is used to do good. And slavery is bad when it is used to do bad.

On the human level, a free person is one who, though “trapped” in a body, is unfettered in most other ways and is personally happy and seeks to promote the happiness of others. And a slave is one who is not only trapped in a body but trapped by the fears that criminals can use to make him feel like his options are limited to choices that will only make things worse. He is often in constant fear, which all by itself shortens his life and renders him ineffective, unproductive, and lacking in alertness. An angry slave may seek to destroy his master, but may take many others with him. And a slave may select the wrong target for his antagonism.

As most of us understand life: Freedom is good and Slavery is Bad.

But a being can become “inverted” and begin to look at things the other way around.

Our current situation is an example of an inverted narrative striving to dominate our attention.

I don’t agree with the idea that we should let a disease convince us that slavery is better than freedom.

Shadows of Longing

21 September 2020

I tend to dream in little concentrated bits. Perhaps I have discussed this elsewhere. But one part of this I haven’t discussed much are the flashes I get of female forms. If I were a woman this lifetime it might be different. But as a man, other lives of men tend to be the ones contacted (or so I suppose) which furnish the little bits of images. And so those images are likely to include one thing longed for by most men – the company of a woman.

Knots of emotion

I thought of this metaphor while I was in bed, so decided to put it in a subtitle before I forgot about it.

Each relationship, as we have experienced them, brings with it a string of emotions. The elevated heart rate. The buzzing of genetic communications. The tug of something that seems almost installed, synthetic.

I thought I would list some of mine (this lifetime) with a word or two that seems to be the dominant experience for that particular friendship:

  1. Mom – nurture.
  2. Linda – devotion.
  3. Barbara – inhibition.
  4. Liz – curiosity.
  5. Judy – passion.
  6. Lenora – celebration.
  7. Susan – lust.
  8. Denise – wonder.

That’s enough. You’re not allowed to ask my about most of these people. The point is how different each one was.

And none of these relationships really played out to a satisfactory conclusion. They all contained incomplete cycles of action. And so, instead of a nice sequence of flows – beginning, middle, end – I got a knot of emotions, all bound up with each other.

Now imagine this repeating ten, one hundred, one thousand times. Once again, each lifetime. And before long you have something closer to a tangled ball of twine instead of a clear and knowable past.

Looking into the mirror of art

In an attempt to find some relief from the apparent absurdity of our current situation here on Earth, I took a free trial on Amazon Prime and began watching movies. I started, really, because my friend Fauna Elisabeth had posted on Facebook some movies she had watched, and I wanted to see them, too.

One was about the development of the KKK in the South after the Civil War. It was a “clan.” It had roots in Scottish-Irish culture. It was a good film. A bit disturbing.

Then I watched a story told by the daughter of a racially mixed couple about what happened after they moved from Hawaii back to his home state, Alabama. Need I say she had a hard time. A bit disturbing.

Next I watched the first Stargate movie. It was a bit disturbing.

After that I “binge watched” the entire first season of The Expanse. It was recommended by a church friend. It, too, was disturbing.

Then I watched a comedy called My Spy. But it was also disturbing.

Then I sort of gave up and started watching the Stargate SG-1 series from the beginning (1997). You guessed it.

So I’m lying in bed, thinking of our current situation, and crying about the most recent stories I watched (two of the main characters reunited with their estranged wives, then forced to separate from them again – among other heart-wrenching situations) and I realized I was seeing a pattern.

These story writers were pulling at the loose ends of my knot. And how many of us have such knots? Probably nearly all of us. (Some have become so beaten down they are no longer aware of these knots – even for this lifetime.) They were using, in particular, closeups of women’s faces, and also of their hands and necks. And my heart rate sped up. And my feelings from those other times popped out and affected me.

Other messages from the shadows

The above was the main gist of what I wanted to write about today.

But it wasn’t all I saw in these stories. This is, remember, part of the corporate entertainment industry. They are interested in pulling your strings. Perhaps writers tend to do this anyway. It might not all be the doing of Corporate…perhaps they aren’t that smart.

Violence, of course. And plenty of it. As if it were supposed to be a normal part of daily existence. That’s called “normalizing” violence. Maybe violence is normal. But why would we push it so hard in our stories? Because they sell better that way? Perhaps. But there is more.

In Stargate SG-1 (where I still have most of my attention) the Earth people are usually depicted as very much genuine and in the present. They are with it. In contrast, the people on most of the worlds they visit are in various states of disability. Many are “less advanced.” Some seem drugged. A few seem euphoric. There are a few “wiser” civilizations, but they are depicted as totally inscrutable and desiring to stay uninvolved in the games of life.

I don’t remember Star Trek that way. (The two shows bear a lot of resemblance to each other.) Even the “bad” Americans are on the ball compared to most of the off-world people. Yet the truth is probably closer to this: Most societies out there are painfully similar to our own, though many are much older, and therefore, more technically advanced, and less free.

Next, we see the great skill of doctors being continuously extolled. The intergalactic voyagers are constantly bringing pathogens (often “unique virus-like diseases”) back to Earth with them, and the docs always manage to figure out what to do to save the planet. The head doctor is a beautiful young woman with fascinating brown eyes. They like to show closeups of her. The intellectuals are also important in these stories. Psychics or spiritual people never appear as helpful on Earth. They only exist on other planets, and their “powers” are often brought into question.

This of course bears no resemblance to what is happening in society today, does it?

Beyond that, other points include:

  • The decision to keep the program secret is assumed to be correct. A Senator who wishes to cut off funding is presented as a shallow opportunist. And a reporter who wants to leak the story is “accidentally” killed.
  • It is depicted to be an Air Force program located at Cheyenne Mountain. It is/was more likely a Navy program, initially located under Long Island.
  • The Russians and Chinese are depicted as not knowing anything about the program. The truth is that they are probably involved.
  • We are depicted as having no space ships. We very likely do have ships – quite a few of them by now.
  • The President is depicted as in the know. This is actually highly unlikely. Thus, the true organization and extent of the Secret Space Program is not accurately depicted. Of course, if it were, that would be considered a threat to national security.
  • The main “enemy” is depicted to be a kind of worm that takes over human hosts. This allows the bad guys to be played by human actors with only moderately difficult costuming. Building and animating real Reptilian costumes would be much more difficult.
  • The “Roswell Grey” was somewhat accurately depicted. This indicates that everyone considers that whole story to be out of the bag now. It also indicates that those Greys probably have no real involvement with what is happening on Earth now.

Though I know my assertion that any of this could be real is fantastic and unbelievable, there is too much evidence now that it is quite real. The details are probably clouded. But I am concerned and I respect others that are also expressing concern in a rational way. I know we’re all supposed to be strong when times get rough. But I could use some hand-holding right now, frankly.

All these drawings are my own. Most of them date from 1980 or earlier.

The Emotion of Hate

18 July 2019

The essay below is almost verbatim from a copy I kept. It was probably written in 1968. I presented it with a collage of news photos from magazines – probably ones we had at  home. The collage of photos is lost, but as they were news photos, similar ones still exist on the internet. My copy has notes from my teacher (not sure who she was) which are not included here. It is being published here for the first time to give my readers some idea of where my thinking was back then, and how long I have had these issues on my mind. The first photo is from the Birmingham student protests of May 1963. The second photo is from the Columbia University (New York) student protests of April 1968.


With these pictures I have tried to illustrate, among other things, the emotion of hate. This emotion, as all emotions, belongs exclusively to man. It occurs under many circumstances and may be accompanied by fear. I used a dictionary to help me find what fear was. One of the basic things that fear is is “ an agitated feeling aroused by an awareness of actual or threatened danger…an uneasy feeling that something may happen contrary to one’s desires.” I would like to try to elaborate on this, so as to be able to understand it better.

One of the main things I would like to study is what one’s desires are. Most people have a conscious, or at least biological, desire to live. One may also desire to conform to sets of values determined by his peer groups. These values may include certain prejudices. Many people want things to stay as they are; they do not desire change. This may be a change in governmental or business institutions, or it could be change in their own lives or values. Another thing people desire is to feel as if they are better than someone else, or have power over someone else. Many people have a desire for wealth.

The desire to live is basic. Within this basic desire we may include the need for food, clothing and shelter. Since these things, in our system, are not free, one must have money to buy them; one must have money to buy life. One must have a paying job.

I must now go back to hate, “an extreme feeling of dislike or animosity,” says the dictionary. But why would this feeling ever occur? Have you ever hated? When you hated, you probably hated a person or group of people. What made you hate them? Maybe they said something about your looks, or actions, or manner. Did what they said affect your pride? Or perhaps they physically threatened you, perhaps they wanted to kill you. Or maybe someone told you to hate them, or described them to you so that they seemed inferior to you.

The basic reason for hating is because someone is threatening your life. Most other reasons for hating are reasons built up over hundreds of years of people living with people. They are reasons that need not exist. Of course these reasons, which are in most cases the desires I spoke of before, are hard to get rid of. But some of them keep others from attaining their basic desire – which is to live. This cannot and should not be tolerated by the victims of hate. They should not have to only half-live because of someone else’s hate for them. And if they hate the people who hate them, their feeling should be condoned and not condemned. This, I believe, is the only justifiable hate.

(Or is it?)


Most of these students, at first, only fear. Fear that they will not feel fully educated when they leave the university they protest. But repelled by police, they now have something to fight, someone threatening their lives, and the fear turns to hate. And once the ball gets rolling, it’s hard to stop it.

The blacks have, for a long time, had a true and justified hate for whites, because the whites hated them, as humans at any rate. If the Negroes had remained slaves, the whites would have been content – they had someone to have power over, to dominate. But of course the Negroes were humans, not slaves, and not content. They hated the white man. And because of this, the whites hated them all the more.

So unless the white desire to dominate over the Negro ends, they will probably go on hating each other forever.

Possibly one way to eliminate hate is through education.

Basically, hate comes when one thinks his life is being threatened.

How do you get rid of the artificial desires and values of modern man? You only have to get rid of them enough to let everyone live a good life. Possibly these desires also come from a fear that one will not live a full life without the things desired. Is it possible that really no one in America feels he’s not living a good life? Maybe everyone should go back and re-examine their basic fear. If they find it to be a justifiable one, as I think it is, perhaps they are over-estimating what it takes to live. Or perhaps someone is helping them to overestimate. Their peer group? The business world?

I must find the root! A common denominator!

The trouble with human relations is that they can never be perfect, for human emotion is part of it. And human emotion will occasionally be able to rule a person’s whole body.

Of course, some emotions seem perfectly wholesome, such as love. Though at second glance there may be complications – or is that only in love as many see it? In the institution of marriage? For some people, marriage might ruin their love. Perhaps people were not meant to love one person for the entirety of life. In fact, it is horrible to think that all the more people a man is allowed in his life to love is one. Everyone should feel love for everyone. Love, as all emotions, was not meant to be hidden or kept by only two people.

And then there is hate… You know, it’s a funny thing: I used to hate a person so much that I threw rocks at him once. But now he’s one of my best friends. Of course it was a childish hate, bred from immaturity and failing to understand the other’s situation. Why, then, does this same childish hate occur in adults? Why do some adults let their emotions and their peer group just rule their lives? It must be because of something they need, something they want out of life, or maybe it is a misunderstanding of life. What could it be?

Perhaps it is fear. Fear that if one breaks one’s dependencies on others one will cease to exist. Fear that if they are not accepted in their group, they will be alone. It is as if they don’t know how to make new friends with new people. It’s as if they couldn’t face a world different than the one they are in.

Institutions often help this happen. Take Christianity. It has been the truth for some people for years that God created the earth and all the creatures on it. These and other beliefs have been thrust into people’s heads along with fear, the fear that if they don’t believe these things, they will go through huge amounts of pain – the most hated thing to man. And when these beliefs are contradicted, the Christian backs into his shell farther, afraid to believe the truth.

Yes truth, all important truth. Not nearly enough people take the truth as seriously as they should.

Shut minds breed fear and hate; these minds must be opened with love and courage. People must live the truth, yet always question it, curiously and openly.

Now another question: Is hate on anyone’s part really necessary?

As I envision the cave man, I see him with a myriad of unknown phenomena surrounding him. These included electrical storms, wild animals, birth, death, and many other wonders of nature. These men learned to hate some of these things – death for one, and things that caused it – and pain, and things that caused that. This included wild animals, weather extremes that started fires or ruined the food supply thus causing hunger and pain, and anything else causing pain or death.

These things – death, pain – were not understood and fantastic stories were built up around their causes. In the meantime, science has solved these questions, basically at any rate, and so anyone with an education can understand why death, pain, birth and other things exist, and why some of them are necessary.

One question has remained unsolved, and this is fate, on a personal basis at any rate. People have always wondered, why did he die then? Why was he the one to be killed, out of all those others? It is harder for people to understand why things like this happen, sudden deaths, with one in a million chances of the one that died dying. Yet people need not even get as flustered as they do, except for the fact that their emotions get in their way, emotions like love, emotions that aren’t essential to life yet certainly do, and will, exist. It seems that for hate to dissolve at this late date, people would have to be able to rule over their emotions. This seems impossible. But at least people could make a conscious effort to eliminate false hate as much as possible, making their hates as basic and justifiable as they can possibly be. The hate of other humans is not justifiable. But it has existed ever since the first cave man wanted someone to blame for something that happened, that he couldn’t explain.

Cruelty to animals seems to be a well-liked pastime among boys my age. They blow frogs up, burn mice live, use toads as slingshot projectiles, feed squirrels whiskey, cut a rat in half, sin a snake live.

Why is this necessary?

Perhaps it is better than taking out one’s hate on other people. But where were these boys exposed to so much hate in the first place? It’s horrible, grotesque, and brutal.

People ask, why are there so many problems in our society? I have been thinking about hate because I thought it was one of the main causes of our problems. Some people use other words to express this prevailing feeling of hate…racism, conflicting interests, unequal rights…but I see hate as the major factor in all of these.

Hate, as I have said before, has to do with man’s desires. It is, however, always hard for me to remember how it has to do with them. Perhaps it is this: One man, a businessman, pursues his desires which are, say, to make money. He thereafter does not bother to shell out the dough to train hard-core unemployed. But this results in the interference with another man’s basic desire to live (by earning money which can buy food, clothing and shelter). This may be seen as conflicting interests, but their interests are much the same. They both want money. If the richer man, though, were to sacrifice some of his to train hard-core unemployed, he would then get a new set of workers. This would probably pay back a bit of what was spent on them, and they would also be able to live a decent life. It all comes down to people having to look at themselves and others and be compassionate enough to bend their backs a bit for others so that they may fulfill the desire shared by all men – the desire to live.

So, we find a condition on the part of upper and middle class people which is often called apathy. They think of themselves as harmless, not taking anything away from underprivileged people. But they aren’t able to lift a foot off the floor to help them, support them, love them. And though they may think the absence of love for their fellow man on their part is not extremely important, by the time this absence of love gets down to the underprivileged people it turns to hate, for they are only half living. And so people must truly love their fellow man in order for hate to cease to exist. It means, at first glance, that the affluent must give some of it up. But in the end, everyone would benefit. In the end, there would be no hate, conflicting interests, racism, unequal rights, just living human beings.


The above is probably the major philosophic work that survives from my early teenage years. I was surprised as I transcribed it. It summarizes all the most basic themes – at that level of thought – that I have been dealing with my entire life. I even get some of the basic concepts correct, which surprises me; I don’t recall where I learned them from. This is part of an ongoing project to digitize writings I have saved that I think might be important. But this first is probably the most important piece in my collection.